Domestic Abuse is any type of abuse within a close family or intimate relationship. It can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, sexuality, or how much money you have. Domestic abuse can happen anywhere. It might happen inside someone's home or somewhere else. It can happen online.
You might have heard domestic abuse used most often to describe abuse within marriages or romantic relationships, but it can also happen in other close relationships such as by parents, children, siblings and in-laws.
TYPES OF DOMESTIC ABUSE
• Physical abuse including violence and sexual abuse
• Psychological or emotional abuse
• Financial abuse
• Control and coercion
You may be experiencing one type of abuse or several.
If someone is violent or physically harms you in any way, this is physical abuse. This doesn't just mean hitting. They may shove you, hold you down in some way or throw things at you. They could use weapons or objects. They could slap, kick, burn or stab you. It may start with something small, like a shove or a grab but get worse over time. The person being abusive may blame it on drugs or drink. They may try to blame it on your actions, saying you 'made' them angry or upset so they lost control. They may seem very upset and promise never to do it again. This means that as well as the physical pain you may feel confused about the abuse and whether it is something serious. You will probably feel very scared about them harming you again.
You may feel cheated, used or betrayed that someone you care about could treat you this way. There are some types of physical abuse that are associated with specific cultures, for example breast ironing and female genital mutilation. Physical abuse and other types of domestic abuse. Physical abuse often happens at the same time as other types of abuse, or it can happen on its own. Coercion and controlling behavior often happen before physical abuse starts. Physical abuse can turn into sexual violence or happen at the same time.
Sexual Violence is a term used to describe any type of unwanted sexual act or activity, including rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse and sexual harassment. It can happen to anyone, at any time in their lives and in any type of relationship.
CONSENT
Sexual activity is violent when there is not consent. You must be able to agree, of your own free will, to taking part in sexual activity. You must not feel pressured or threatened into saying yes. If you have not consented to sex or sexual activity, then this is sexual violence.
There are some situations where you cannot consent, for example, if you are:
• Asleep
• Under the influence of drugs or alcohol
• Coerced, manipulated or blackmailed
• Scared or threatened
When sexual abuse happens within a romantic relationship it can be confusing and hard to accept as abuse. You might find it difficult to separate it from consensual sex that has taken place at other times in the relationship. But sexual violence from someone you have previously consented to have sex with is still sexual violence. Many people who have experienced sexual abuse say they feel ashamed. You may feel, or be made to feel, your actions led to the abuse. But if you have experienced sexual violence, it is never your fault.
TYPES OF SEXUAL ABUSE
There are many other types of sexual violence. It can mean being sexually violated emotionally/ psychologically, rather than physically.
• Rape - in TN law this means penetration of another person's vagina, anus or mouth with a penis, without consent.
• Sexual assault - including unwanted touching or being forced to witness a sex act.
• Child sexual abuse - any sex act involving a child. Children cannot consent to sex with adults.
• Sexual harassment - includes unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, whether verbal or physical. It can often be framed as 'flirting' or 'banter', but if it is unwanted, it is harassment. (This can happen on
Online)
• Revenge porn - when someone shares, or threatens to share, private sexual photos or videos of you with someone else without your consent. (See Image-based Abuse further on in this section.)
• Upskirting - Taking photos under your clothing without your knowledge.
• Stalking - the threat or implication of sexual violence can be used to make you feel unsafe, harassed, anxious or scared.
Economic abuse is when someone uses their relationship with you to take or control your money or other high value belongings. Some common types of economic abuse.
• Spending or taking money without you knowing
• Spending or taking your money even through you tell them not to
• Using other abusive behavior, like threats or violence, to put pressure on you to hand over money
• Manipulating you into giving them money (see Coercive Behavior)
• Taking control of bank cards, online accounts or other ways you access your money
• Taking out things like loans, credit cards, tenancy contracts or phone contracts under your name
• Giving you a small amount of money to live on or an 'allowance' which is unfair or does not allow you to get what you need. They may also take control of other things that are yours which are of high value. For example your property.
Vulnerable people, such as people with mental health problems, learning disabilities or people who are older are often targeted by people who carry out financial abuse. If you don't have your own income, for example if you stay home to care for children, parents or other members of your family, you should be able to make financial decisions that affect vou. It is still financial abuse if someone does not allow you this.
If you're experiencing economic abuse you may feel confused, trapped, betrayed and alone.
Economic abuse and other types of domestic abuse. Economic abuse can happen on its own, or alongside other types of abuse. Controlling and coercive behavior are often closely linked.
Controlling behavior is when someone forces you to do what they want against your will. As part of domestic abuse. Controlling behavior is usually made up of many individual acts which stop you from following your own wants and
needs. It can affect specific parts of your life, like how you spend money, when you see friends and family or how you behave, or it may affect many areas.
Examples of controlling behavior
• Making it difficult or impossible to see your friends and family
• Depriving you of your basic needs, such as food, sleep or medical help
• Controlling how you are seen by others, for example choosing your clothes or telling you what you can and cannot say
• Taking your money (see also Financial Abuse)
• Stopping your from using a car (e.g. taking the keys) or public transportation.
• Not allowing you to have a job or get an education
• Monitoring your phone or computer use
You may be experiencing something different, but if your freedom or independence is being taken away then it may be
controlling behavior.
If you are being controlled, you may feel unable to escape the relationship. You might have been forced to cut off contact with family and friends who could offer support. You may not even have the physical means to reach out for support, such as transport, money, phone or email. You may feel trapped, alone and isolated.
Like controlling behavior, the result of coercive behavior is that you feel you have no choice but to act the way the person doing the coercion wants. However, this is not because you are being directly forced to do as they want. Coercion is when you feel you "had to" or
"couldn't" do something, out of fear of what they say or do to you, or around you.
This fear is built up over time. One comment or action on its own may seem really normal; an insensitive comment, a criticism or a one-off moment of anger during an argument. But over time, if it happens again and again it becomes
coercive abuse. This could take place over weeks, months or years.
This gradual build-up is one of the things that makes it hard to recognize as abuse. It can also make it seem to others (including family, friends and or even professionals like police, health or social workers) that you are choosing how to act
of your own free will. You may even believe this yourself.
If you have not heard of coercion before you might think of it as being manipulated, bullied or blackmailed. If you are being coerced, you will start acting differently around the person because you are afraid of their reaction. You
may not feel like "yourself" anymore. You may have stopped doing things you used to like. Things that use to be important to you may not be anymore. Friends and family may comment that you're acting differently. Coercive abuse can leave you feeling confused, trapped, isolated and scared.
Examples of coercive control
Someone using coercion to abuse you will take any actions which increase their own power over you. This can be done either by reducing your ability to have a say in your life, increasing their own, or both.
Coercive abuse can include:
• They repeatedly use name-calling and criticism to put you down or make you feel bad. This is so you feel so worthless you don't want to, or unable to make decisions for yourself. This allows them to take over and make decisions about your life for their own benefit.
• Without saying directly what they will or won't do, they talk about ways they could damage or destroy cherished
possessions if they chose to.
• Without saying directly what they will or won't do, they talk about harming or killing you, your children, pets or other
loved ones. They could talk about harming or killing themselves.
• They may start to involve you in criminal activity such as shoplifting, drug use or neglecting/ abusing your children. They may give all sorts of reasons why this behavior is necessary but the result is you feel you have to carry on doing as they say out of fear they will report you to the police. It may stop you from reporting their abuse itself.
• They may talk about reporting you to social services or suggest that your children could be taken away.
• They may suggest they could influence your immigration status.
• They suggest you shouldn't use your own money or joint/ household bank accounts. They may make you feel you spend too much or that you can't handle your own finances.
Many of the ways we use the internet are to communicate with each other. For example email, social media or text messaging. Someone who is abusing you may use these in the same way that in-person situations can be used to abuse you, to intimidate, harass, manipulate or bully you. Online communication can also open up different opportunities for abuse, for example communicating with a lot of people at once or anonymously.
Types of online abuse
• Sharing private information about you, including sexual photos, videos or information through social media, email or messages (See Image-based Abuse).
• Publicly accusing you of things you haven't done to humiliate you or damage your relationships.
• Impersonating you online.
• Trolling - Frequently responding to your posts online with offensive or provoking comments.
• Encouraging or tricking others into being abusive to you.
You may be experiencing other types of online abuse not listed here. If you're not sure if it's abuse, it can be helpful to think about whether something someone says or does online would be considered acceptable in person. Just because the abuse is happening through your phone or computer does not mean it is any less harmful. If you are experiencing online abuse you may feel embarrassed and humiliated. You may feel powerless like you can no longer control your life or how people see you.
Image-based sexual abuse is when someone shares, or threatens to share photos or videos of you without your consent. Includes what people might call "revenge porn" or "sextortion".
These may be:
• Images or videos you have shared with them in the past with the understanding they would be kept private.
• Images or videos that have been taken or recorded without you knowing.
• Images or videos taken during a sexual assault.
Some forms of image-based sexual abuse
• Revenge porn - sharing private, intimate images without your consent online or in person, often after a break-up or disagreement, with the explicit purpose of disrupting your life or causing you shame.
• Recording of images - (photos or videos) without your consent for their own pleasure, also called voyeurism.
• extortion - threatening to share intimate images or videos of you, to pressure you to do as they say (i.e. blackmail).
If you agreed to let someone take a photo or record a video of you or you sent the photo or video to the person yourself, you still have the right to control how it is shared. It is a crime to share sexual photography or film without the consent of the person or people who are in it. Many people who are experiencing image-based sexual abuse may feel shame like they have lost control of their lives. They may feel very angry. Some people may be worried about the consequences of their image being shared, such as the impact on family members the reactions of friends and family, or getting in trouble at work. Image-based sexual abuse is often used as part of coercive behavior within a family or romantic relationships. It can also be closely linked to breaches of privacy as part of tech-based abuse.
Stalking is any repeated unwanted contact. Stalking is most likely to be carried out by someone you know, such as a romantic partner, ex-partner, friend or acquaintance. On some occasions it is carried out by strangers. If you have left a relationship or family environment where domestic abuse was happening you may be at higher risk of that abuse continuing in the form of stalking.
Some common types of stalking
• Cyber-stalking (See Cyberstalking further on in this section of the app)
• Repeated unwanted "gifts" and flowers
• Ordering things to your home or work, signing you up for services you haven't asked for
• Frequent comments on social media, emails, text messages or other online contact
• Writing letters, phone calls or other offline contact
• Tracking someone's location or following someone
• Repeated contact with our friends and family
• Damaging property
• Harming pets
The type of contact the person chooses may be based on their personal understanding of what is important to you, or what you are most scared of. For example they may damage something that you cherish or leave "gifts" that relate to your fears somehow.
The person carrying out this abuse may feel they are just trying to show affection or they may be intentionally trying to intimidate you, scare you or disrupt your life. They may be using stalking as part of controlling or coercive control within a romantic or family relationship. Their intention does not matter. This behavior, if it is repeated and it is unwanted, it is stalking. Many people who are experiencing stalking feel powerless, violated, scared and hopeless. You may feel confused or disoriented about what is happening. Stalking and other types of abuse. Stalking may happen within a relationship where domestic abuse is still happening, even if you are currently living with them. Stalking may happen on its own, with no other instances of domestic abuse.
Cyberstalking is when someone uses "Spyware" or "Stalkerware" are types of apps to follow, track or monitor you. These apps can be installed on your phone or laptop without you knowing. It is becoming more and more common for people experiencing abuse to find they are being cyberstalked. Cyberstalking may be done using apps specifically designed for this purpose, which are usually hidden. Or it may be done using other apps, such as parental control/ child safety apps or those designed to find lost phones. You may know you are being monitored. Location tracking in particular is often suggested out of concern for you safety,
for example if you're going somewhere late or on your own.
If you are having trouble telling the difference between genuine worry and stalking behavior, it is helpful to think about whether the information is being used to scare or control you. If yes, then this is abusive. Spyware apps let your partner or family member see what you are doing online. This might be conversations you're having through messaging apps like Facebook and Whatsapp or websites you are going to. They may be able to track your location.
They may use this information to control your behavior, find out private information they can use against you or intimidate you.
If someone seems to know information about you which you haven't told them, this can be disorienting and frightening. It can make you feel extremely vulnerable.
If you often publish information online about where you are or what you're doing, they may also use this.
Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your view of reality or question your memories
It is a way of controlling people and is a form of emotional abuse.
Some common examples are if they:
• Tell you they didn't say something you have a clear memory of.
• Deny behavior that harms you, such as drug/alcohol abuse, being unfaithful or physical violence.
• Suggest or tell you directly that you're losing your memory or are experiencing mental health issues that make you
unreliable. If you are experiencing gaslighting, you may feel confused, frustrated or that you can no longer trust your own perceptions or instincts.
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